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ROMANCE FOR MEN: PANDORA’S BOX is the first-hand, been-there-done-her account of Jack Icefloe Jackson—an Alaskan recluse, lusted after by women the world over.
After years of being pissed that romance novels are written primarily for the tastes of women, Icefloe decided to write one just for men, based on his own real-life exploits.
One afternoon, while drowning in a sea of the world’s hottest pornstars, Icefloe gets an urgent message from President Obama:
Pandora’s Box is about to destroy the world.
But this Pandora is a Sarah Lawrence co-ed on the verge of her twenty-first birthday, who happens to be the most sexy, beautiful woman who’s ever existed. And Pandora’s Box is…
…well, if you can’t figure that out in three guesses, maybe this riotous, ultra-clever satire isn’t for you.
Obama tells Icefloe that, unless Pandora has her first-ever orgasm before she turns twenty-one, Pandora’s Box will turn into a gravitational black hole that will swallow the entire Earth and destroy all human-kind.
With a license to kill in hand, Icefloe accepts the perilous mission and sets off to put his mojo to the ultimate test. But he soon finds out that conquering a woman of Pandora’s volcanic hotness and liberal arts sensitivity is going to take a lot more than the usual Icefloe magnetism.
And he’s going to need some expert female help.
Can a trip to commune with the Hot Nuns of Assisi (hidden beneath he Vatican by the Pope) teach him how to form a spiritual connection with a woman?
Can he learn intellectual connection from Albert Einstein’s sexy paraplegic granddaughter?
Can he learn emotional connection from Kathleen, the blind, African-American lactation consultant from Cedars-Sinai?
And will the quest (and the world’s hopes for survival) be crushed at the last minute under the kinky leather boots of Ilsa, Nazi Bitch of the SS?
ROMANCE FOR MEN: PANDORA’S BOX is a breath of politically incorrect fresh air, serving up side-splitting literary laughs to open-minded readers who are eager to suspend their self-righteousness in order to enjoy a ribald yet subtle satire of the crazy world we live in today.
A fan emails with an interesting query:
Who wrote this shit?
Well, Carl, Jack Icefloe Jackson is the author, although it’s not that simple. Details are fuzzy, but we have it on good authority that it somehow involves Dean Lorey, writer/producer of (among other things) Arrested Development, Friday the 13th Part 9: Jason Goes To Hell and Major Payne, all of which could have been parents to this sick bastard love-child.
As we understand it now, a rough, semi-legible manuscript stained with liquor, moose blood and other splotches no one cared to investigate turned up on Dean’s doorstep one day last year.
By the time he had finished the first chapter, Dean couldn’t believe his luck and quickly booked tickets from L.A. to Anchorage, AK, where he chartered a rickety single-prop plane and crash-landed near Icefloe’s last known location somewhere northwest of Mt. McKinley.
What went down after that, we’re still not exactly sure. But the result is ROMANCE FOR MEN: PANDORA’S BOX. As Icefloe would say, “You’re welcome.”