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ICEFLOE’S BEAR BURGERS RECIPE
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• One large potato
• 1 tablespoon Kosher salt
• Bread of your choice
• Condiments of your choice
• 1 lb of ground bear meat
Dynamite a bear. NOTE: It should be obvious, but do NOT dynamite a bear at a zoo. Caged bears don’t taste as good. Either dynamite a wild bear or go put on a frilly pink dress and sing ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP while getting ass cocked by a mule train.
Grind the bear into meat. NOTE: You will be grinding ALL of the bear: Fur, claws, teeth, etc. We are not Millennials who drink lattes while manscaping our ball hair. NOTE: It is NEVER acceptable to manscape ball hair. If you want to cut your ball hair, keep cutting until you take off the frank AND the beans.
Dice the potato. NOTE: If you’re a pussy, you may skin it first.
Build a wood fire. NOTE: Even if you’re a pussy, you MAY NOT use pre-formed Duralogs from Safeway to build the fire. To make an Icefloe Bear Burger, a tree must die.
Cook potatoes in olive oil until golden brown. I like Villa Cappelli.
Mix ground bear meat with the potatoes.
Add 1 (one) tablespoon Kosher salt. You do not need to get it blessed by a rabbi, but it tastes better if you do. I like my salt like I like my bitches, religious and shameful.
Pound out four patties. Cook in skillet until medium rare.
Put on grilled bun.
FOR PUSSIES ONLY: Add condiments. There is a reason the root word of condiments is “condom.” Condoms protect you from cock rot but they also mask the feel of a woman’s meat sock, just like condiments mask the taste of bear burger. If you don’t want to taste the bear burger, then why the fuck did you bother dynamiting a wild bear to begin with? You may as well have just blown one up at the zoo.
Serve on a paper plate. NOTE: I like my paper plates like I like my cock: stiff, shiny and with no illustrations.